


Cobblepot Meets a Cylon

by leoben



Category: Battlestar Galactica (2003), Gotham (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Crossover, Humor, I Changed The Plot Halfway Through So Please Ignore The Obvious Plotholes, M/M, Making it up As I Go Along, OOC, anything could happen!, murderous asshole soulmates, possible eventual genocide of the human race, sleep-deprived writing, the worst thing i've ever done
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-02
Updated: 2015-05-07
Packaged: 2018-03-26 17:25:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,748
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3858787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leoben/pseuds/leoben
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Doral and co. are in Gotham City. They're still plotting the destruction of humanity. Doral meets a dashing young sir. They bond over fabulous suits--and more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Boys Meet

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when fandom deprives me of a random crossover. It'll probably get more cracktacular.

A really cute guy wearing a teal suit walked into Oswald’s. “Can I help you?” asked Oswald. The man smiled. “I’d like a martini, shaken not stirred.”  
  
Oswald wasn’t the bartender but he made the man a drink anyway. “What’s your name?”  
  
“Aaron.”  
  
“Nice to meet you, Aaron. I’m Oswald. Oswald Cobblepot.” Oswald looked him up and down. “I’ve always been fond of teal.”  
  
Doral spluttered, absolutely floored. He knew it was teal! This man knew his colors. “Yes, it’s my favorite. Speaking of good taste, I love your suit. It’s quite…unusual. Who’s your tailor?”  
  
Oswald smiled, happy that this man knew his suit was bespoke and not off the rack. “I’ll never tell.”  
  
Aaron smirked. “I have my ways. I’ll get his number out of you–and maybe yours as well.”  
  
Oswald raised his eyebrow. “Are you flirting with me, Mr.–”  
  
“Doral. And call me Aaron.”

All of a sudden a striking, tall blonde woman walked in angrily. “Doral! What are you doing? We’re supposed to be at–” She looked at Cobblepot. “the meeting. Remember? The Plan?”  
  
“Ah, yes,” Doral said regrettably. “We’ll finish this conversation later,” he said and winked at Oswald before exiting, leaving a generous tip on the bar–and his phone number.

Oswald stared after him. The Plan? What on earth? There was certainly something about that man…but what could it be?!


	2. THE PLAN?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oswald calls Doral

Oswald stared at the number the man left him as he drank his expensive champagne. Should he? Should he call him? 

He drank a bunch more and he decided that yes, he should call him. The phone rang a couple times before it was answered. “Hello?”

“Hello? Is this Aaron?”

“Yes. Who is this?”

“This is Oswald. You came into my club the other day.” 

“I knew you’d call,” a smug voice said.

Oswald snorted–what an ass. _A beautiful ass_. “I was wondering if you’d like to get together tonight.” Why was he so nervous? He didn’t understand but..this man–he had [a certain…special…something](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g3YiPC91QUk&feature=youtu.be&t=1m39s) about him.

“If I can get away from the family,” Aaron said. Oswald heard him muffle the phone with his hand but could still make out bits of the conversation he was having.

...the one from the other night?... ...no... ...he could be useful... ...plan... ... _PLAN_... ... _ **PLAN**_...

That word reverberated through Oswald’s head. Plan? What plan?

“Yes. Can you meet me at the nightclub on 7th street? I’ll be wearing a burgundy jacket.”

“Wonderful.” He would find out what this plan was. Was this Doral _planning_ on taking over for Falcone? Or even Maroni? What on ~~Caprica~~ Earth was going on? It gave Oswald a funny feeling in his stomach–but it was so _exhilarating_.


	3. And they have a plan...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you hadn't caught it by now, the Cylons HAVE A PLAN.  
> 

Doral shrugged his corduroy burgundy jacket on and inspected himself in the mirror. Leoben had told him to wear his checkered polo, but Leoben was always dressing in tacky prints, and where did it get him? Lonely nights dreaming of a plucky young viper pilot who wouldn’t give him the time of day. 

No, if there was one thing Doral knew, it was how to dress to impress. He couldn’t say the same for most of his siblings (save the Sixes who always looked impeccable). But enough of fashion. He had a job to do. Simple as that.

Yet why did his heart flutter strangely when he thought of the man in the psychedelic vest and oh-so fetching continental cross tie?

Enough, he thought. God has a plan and so does he, and he must carry it out to the bitter end. 

He was just finishing combing his hair when Six strolled in, arms crossed. 

“You know what to do?”

Doral rolled his eyes. “Of course.”

“Cavil chose you for a reason. If you can pull this off, Gotham City will be under our thumbs, and from there we will be able to carry out the Plan without a hitch.”

“God is watching out for us, Sister. Trust me. I won’t frak it up. Not like Sharon.” 

Six crossed the room towards Doral. “You’re the one model who can do this. Sharon got too close to the humans. Her boxing was inevitable.”

Doral didn’t mention that Six was doing the same with her hippie human boyfriend. “I’ll be back later.” _Maybe in the morning, if he was lucky._

“Good luck, Brother. We’re counting on you.”


	4. Meet Me in the Club, Bathe Me in My Tub, Take Me to the Hub

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doral and Oswald meet at a club and discover they have more than fashion in common...

Oswald showed up at the night club that Doral told him to meet him at and spotted him outside. He looked even sexier than he did at Oswald’s, dressed in well-fitting olive green trousers and a grey shirt underneath his red– _no, burgundy_ –jacket. 

“Hello,” Oswald greeted.

“Hello. I wasn’t sure you’d make it.”

“It’s called being fashionably late.” They shared a hearty chuckle at that.

“Shall we?” Doral asked.

“After you,” Oswald said, and followed him into the dimly lit club. “I like the burgundy,” he whispered in Doral’s ear as he checked the place out. 

Aaron felt a sudden…odd sensation in his chest at the words. “You only know it’s burgundy because I told you,” he replied. 

The club looked kinda shitty to Doral but it was okay because he had his own awesome nightclub projection. Too bad he couldn’t show Oswald. He’d probably like it. He had good taste. Maybe he liked to stab people too… _no, no, no, don’t get your hopes up_ , Aaron thought. He was as bad as the Sixes (the Sixes were romantics. Well at least his best friend Six)

“Let me get you a drink,” Doral offered.

“Thank you kindly. Champagne, please.” Oswald really liked champagne. It tasted so good to him.

“Do you like Gotham?” Doral asked.

“Yeah, the city’s pretty cool but I hate all the people. Except Jim Gordon, he’s okay. Do you?”

Doral gave him a devilish grin. “Sometimes I’d like to kill everyone here and rule the city as my own.”

“ _Are you serious?_ Me too!” Oswald said..“Except Jim Gordon.”

Frak. This was what Six had been talking about. **_This was what love was._**


	5. Yes, sweetie, I DID program the Fives with the ability to love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Their first date. :)

**_This is what love is_ **

Doral’s whole world had been turned upside down.

Six’s voice rang in his ears. _Are you alive?_

I am alive, he thought. _I’m alive._

He became dizzy and staggered, leaning into Oswald’s side. 

“Are you okay?”

_Maybe for the first time in my life_ , Doral thought. “I–I think so.”

“Let’s sit down.” Oswald was worried. But he was also turned on…he wondered if Aaron was too. He hoped so. ~~Hard dicks~~

They sat down on a velvet fuschia loveseat near the back. Oswald ever so gently touched Doral’s arm. “What’s wrong?”

“Just got a little dizzy,” Doral said, looking intensely into Oswald’s eyes. _So blue, like the oceans of Aquaria._

“Maybe we could get some fresh air.”

“No. I’m fine.” 

So they drank some more and talked and Doral made a smooth move so now his arm was around Oswald’s shoulders and Oswald’s eyelashes fluttered a little and Doral leaned in to whisper something in Oswald’s ear and Oswald felt very sex thoughts because Doral’s sexy hot breath was on his skin.

“Is it hot in here or is it just you?” Doral whispered.

“Oh, you,” Oswald chuckled, but then suddenly he wasn’t anymore because Doral was looking at Oswald’s lips and leaned in and they kissed. 

And WHAT A KISS. It was the kiss of the Gods, it was a kiss that turned his flesh to molten lava, it was a kiss that made his dick really, really hard. 

When Doral pulled away they were both breathing really hard. Then they smiled. The rest of the night was full of lots of making out and then Doral went home, promising to call Oswald the next day. 

It had been a wonderful night, but also he was troubled inside as he boarded the basestar. With all the beautiful moments and feelings of the night, he had completely forgotten his job. What he was sent there to do. _**The Plan.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will this plan ever be revealed? Even I don't know!


	6. Careful Or You're Gonna Get Boxed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six tells Doral to get his shit together.

Doral was lying in bed staring at the ceiling. How was he going to go through with it? Why must life be so _unfair_?

Six strolled in to his room (they all worked together on the design of the ship and Six insisted on not having doors to the bedrooms…) and perched herself at the edge of the bed. “How did it go?”

“Fine.” He sighed heavily.

“What’s the problem? Did he not respond well to your advances?”

“No, he did. It’s all going according to plan.”

“Then why do you look like you did when Sharon burned your wardrobe?”

Doral didn’t respond.

Six smiled. “You’re in love.” She was proud of her brother. She had dared to hope that the FIves might someday experience the wonders of love. But she was also saddened, because of who he had fallen for…it was too bad.

“I can’t do it.”

“You don’t have a choice–this is the only way, Five. It will only last a few moments–”

“Will it?” Doral sat up in anger. “Would you do the same in my position? If it was Baltar?”

“Sacrifices must be made.”

“You didn’t answer the question.”

“Yes.” She stood. “This is bigger than us. Don’t hold out on us, Brother. Remember why we’re doing this.” With that she kissed him on the forehead and walked away, giving him a knowing look in the doorway before leaving.

She was right, of course. Sacrifices must be made. The human race must pay for what they’ve done.


	7. Youth Juice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cavil did something

_One year earlier…_

John scowled at his reflection in the mirror. Curse Mother for making him this way. Sure, he was also pretty pissed about not being able to see gamma rays and cool shit, but one thing at a time. He didn’t have the science to change that… yet. 

He took a swig of whiskey and reached for the flask on the counter labeled “Youth Juice.” He only had enough for himself, but he didn’t give a frak. Right now was _his_ time. 

He could just picture his siblings’ faces when he returned to the basestar. They would be so confused. He laughed maniacally at the thought. Of course they would know it was him, but they’d be all “wait, _what?_ ” “How’d you do that?” “God, John, you look fine!” “Make love to me, John!” Maybe he’d finally get a little bit of respect around there. 

He stared again into the mirror. “Goodbye,” he whispered as he chugged the juice. 

John twitched. Twitched again. He fell on the floor as darkness washed over him.


	8. Wotcha, Mates?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Partying down with Gaius and Six

Doral and Oswald met at the same club a couple days after their first date. They kissed hello and held hands as they made their way to a secluded spot near the stage. A very sensual trip-hop band was playing and the two cuddled together, sipping their drinks occasionally. 

Doral ran his hand down Oswald’s arm and was about to bring up that subject, the one he dreaded, when he heard–

“Aaron! Look, it’s Aaron Doral, sweetheart!” 

Doral turned his head, super annoyed at the interruption, and more so when he saw who was calling his name.

 **Gaius. Frakking. Baltar.**  With Six in tow, looking supremely uncomfortable. No. This wasn’t happening. 

Oswald smiled politely but looked confused. 

“Gaius, I don’t think we should bother–” Six started.

“Nonsense, my hufflepuff!” Gaius cried. “The more the merrier!” He plopped down next to Doral and Six reluctantly joined him. 

“So,” Gaius said. “What are you two drinking? Shots? Yes?” He signaled to a nearby bartender. “Four shots of Goldschläger, please.” He grinned and rested his arm behind Doral. “What are you two crazy kids up to?”

Six reached for Gaius’ free arm and held tight. “I think they want to be left alone, Gaius,” Six said.

“No, no! It’s fine,” Oswald said, much to Doral and Six’s chagrin. 

Gaius winked at Oswald. “Well, at least  _one_  of you is up for a little fun.” 

The shots came and another round was ordered by Gaius. Gaius was very into the whole scene and pulled his darling Cylons closer to him while keeping his eyes on Oswald. 

Doral sighed and resigned to the fact that he’d be spending the better part of the evening in this frakhole’s company. 

Doral glared at Six. Six glared at Gaius. Oswald looked between them all in confusion. Gaius gave sex eyes to all of them. 

Somehow Gaius convinced them all to get all up on the dance floor and shake their things. Six whispered something in his ear that made him look worried but then Oswald bumped into him and he was distracted by the hotness of them all being all close and dancing and sweaty.  _Yes_ , Gaius thought.  _Time to make my move._

He pulled Oswald towards him and whispered in his ear. “Fancy you and Aaron here coming home with us?”

Oswald was a bit drunk so was like “yeah whatever if he wants to” and Gaius was like  _score_. But then Oswald went to the bathroom and Doral gave him a look like

and told Six she needed to keep her pet on a leash.

"How about you mind your own frakking business?” she asked, pointing a finger at his chest. 

“Why don’t you make me?” 

Six began rolling up her sleeves. “You wanna go there?!”

“Settle down, you two!” Gaius cried, pushing himself inbetween them. “Don’t you know that fighting doesn’t solve anything?” 

“What’s going on here?” Oswald said, having returned from a delightful urination session. 

“Nothing, we were just leaving,” said Six. “It was a pleasure to meet you, Oswald.” 

They said their goodbyes and Oswald and Doral were finally left blissfully alone. “So what did you want to talk to me about, Aaron?”

Doral sighed, a world-weary sound. “Nothing. It can wait.”


	9. You Can Trust Me, I'm a Cylon!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Doral reveals his secret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't know how to rate this? I think I can just keep the Teen and Up rating...

“I’m a Cylon,” Doral said as he and Cobblepot lay in bed.

Oswald laughed and grabbed the cigarette from Doral. “You look good for a robot.” A Cylon,  _really_. What would he come up with next?

Doral sat up. “I’m serious.”

“Right, since when did the Cylons start looking like us?” 

“Since when did you last hear anything from the Cylons?” 

Oswald frowned, “Prove it.” 

“I don’t have to. You always knew something was different about me, something that didn’t add up in the usual way.”

“No, seriously, though, prove it.”

“You know deep down that I’m telling the–”

“Prove it.” Oswald crossed his arms.

Doral sighed. “Fine,” he mumbled.

So he proved it.  _ **In a sexy way.**_  And when his spine began to glow, Oswald pretty much came right away because it was too hot. 

“Hot damn,” he said as he collapsed on top of Doral. He was frakking a Cylon. After he got dressed he sat on the bed, looking down at his hands. “Why did you tell me? How did you know I wouldn’t just kill you?”

“Because I know you. And even if you did, it wouldn’t matter. I’d be resurrected into a new body.” 

“But what’s the point of telling me?”

Doral cringed inside.  _But it must be done_ , he reminded himself. “We have a plan–the other cylons and me. And you, Oswald, are an integral part of that plan.”

“What are you talking about? I’m merely a small time mobster who runs a successful nightclub! How could–how could I be of any use to you?”

“Oh, darling. Because,” Doral said, stroking Oswald’s hair. “ _You’re a cylon too._ ”


	10. Ha Ha, What A Story, Doral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which you find out sorta what happened to John and Doral explains Cylon stuff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found this chapter very tedious to write but I figured I had to explain shit. Ugh.

_**11 months earlier** _

Dr. Gilbert Choate sat hunched over his desk, putting the finishing touches on his new invention. “So beautiful,” he murmured. He tightened a screw on what resembled a metal helmet. “What you will bring to the world. Such wonder.” 

A knock on the lab door halted his work. “Come in!” he yelled and shook his head, turning to see who the intruder was. “What, what do you need?” 

“I–I’m sorry to disturb you, Doctor, but I was told you could help me.” A thin young man dressed in black stood in the doorway. 

“Who sent you?”

“A woman. Her name is…Fish.” 

“Fish?” he asked and let out a jolly laugh. “Well, why didn’t you say so? Sit down, young man. What is your name?”

The man sat at a stool and looked at him with sad, lonely eyes. “ _I don’t know_.”

_**Present Day** _

“What did you say?” Oswald asked, incredulous. 

“You’re a Cylon, Oswald. You always have been.” He ran his thumb along Oswald’s cheek.

“That isn’t possible. I was born here, in Gotham City. I grew up here! I remember my first day of school! My first crush. My first…” He held his head in his hands. 

“None of that happened. You were implanted with false memories. Until a year ago,  _Oswald Cobblepot didn’t exist._ ”

Oswald stood, clenching his fists. He was so angry. So, so  **angry**. And yet..was he? What did this mean for him? He sat back down. “Tell me more.” 

So Doral talked. He told him the differences between Cylons and Humans.

He told him about the differences between the models (stressing he should stay away from the Twos unless he wanted his retinas burned).

Oswald interrupted him when he got to the Eights. “But, which model am I?” Why was he believing him? Then again, why shouldn’t he?

Doral felt his heart tighten in his chest. How could he possible tell him that he was a One? “You’re…a special case.” Oswald tilted his head in confusion. 

By now Doral had been talking for like an hour and his throat was getting dry so he suggested they take a break like they do in video games so you can save the game when there’s a really long story.

“Let’s go get you a cup of coffee, eh?”

Oswald nodded and gave him a small smile. “That sounds great.” 


	11. LET'S BURN IT DOWN TO THE GROUND

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More plot explaining, good Lord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah I’m prob gonna end this soon because I’m really starting to hate writing it and it’s showing. I would now but I can’t leave it unfinished but i want to KILL IT WITH FIRE

The two drank their coffee in silence for several minutes until Doral cleared his throat.

“You’re a One,” he said.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re a One. I didn’t want to tell you because Cavil sucks. But you aren’t him.  _You’re so much better_.” He shook his head. “I would never have fallen for you if you were like him.”

“But I  _am_  him. And if I’m not, I’m just a product of some crazy doctor. I’m not real.”

Doral lay his hand over Oswald’s. “ **You’re as real as any of us.** The Cylons were created by man, and so were you. You’re no less real than I am.” 

They were silent once again. 

“How do I fit into the plan? Why me, and not another One?”

Doral sighed. “We’ve been planning the destruction of the Colonies for awhile now. Don’t look surprised, pumpkin. You’ve had the same thoughts. But in order to access the weapons, we need one specific Cylon in each line to sacrifice themselves. Those 7 Cylons have a unique DNA sequence--you are one of those 7.”

Well that makes actual perfect sense, thought Oswald. “But...Jim Gordon--”

Doral rolled his eyes. “We can spare Jim Gordon if it’s that important to you.”

Oswald nodded. “By sacrifice, you mean...I wouldn’t resurrect?”

“You would, but we have no way of knowing how much of you--the current you--would remain. And you would wake up in a different body. You would look like all the other Cavils.”

“Ew.”

“I know, right?”

“And what if I don’t do it?”

“Then I’ll have to kill you. Either way, you’ll end up with us. I don’t want to do it but--” he cleared his throat, choking up. “I just can’t let my feelings get in the way of the bigger picture.”

Oswald tapped his fingers and contemplated what he had just heard. “So Jim Gordon will be safe?”

“What is it with you and Jim Gordon? Do you have a thing for him or something?”

“What?! No! He saved my life, is all. I’d like to return the favor. Oh and also my mom.”

“Okay but that’s it because Six already has her pet that she wants to save and the count is getting pretty high.”

“Deal. So when is this shit going down?”

“Saturday, I think. And Oswald-- _thank you_.”

“You know what? It’s my pleasure. Now what do you say we take advantage of this body while I still have it?” (wink)

“ _Keep your tie on_ ,” said Doral.


	12. Dobblepot: The Final Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE FINAL CHAPTER

**BOOM BOOM BOOM**  went the bombs.  **BOOM. BOO-BOOM**. Blinding flashes of light could be seen from the Basestar. 

And yet, one Aaron Doral was sitting outside the doors of the Cavil tub room on the resurrection hub. He just wasn’t in the mood for celebration. He heard the click clack of Six’s heels before he felt her sit next to him. 

“You did well, Brother. I’m so proud of you.” 

“It was the right decision. I know. And yet…”

“Yet you wonder what could have been.”

“He’s gone, Six.”

Six squeezed his shoulder. “You don’t know that. He’s going to need someone to ease him back into life. You should be there.” 

“I don’t think I can do it, Six.” He looked up at her, tears in his eyes. 

“He would want you to be there, Aaron.” She stood up and held her hand out. “I’ll be with you.”

Doral let her pull him up and they entered the room together. A Six and a Two were kneeling by one of the tubs, waiting for Oswald (John?) to wake up. Doral and Six followed suit. 

Suddenly the One’s eyes opened and he gasped for air, looking around him wildly. 

“Shhhh, it’s okay. You’re with us now,” the other Six cooed. 

“Do you know where you are?” asked Two.

He shook his head and they continued to talk to him in soothing voices. His gaze fell on Doral for a moment before turning back to Six. Doral closed his eyes tightly before excusing himself to sit back in the hall. 

Several minutes later, Six joined him again. “I’m sorry.” 

Doral nodded, stone-faced. Six held him for awhile, petting his hair. 

“I’d like to be alone for awhile,” he finally said. Six squeezed his hand and kissed his forehead before leaving. After she left he stood, straightened his suit, and left to board the Basestar. 

In a secure room, an old man lay on the floor, writhing in pain. He heard the door open and whimpered, seeing the same man who had put him in this position. 

“Good evening, Dr. Choate.  _Welcome to your nightmare._ ”

**THE FUCKING END**


End file.
